A Push and Pull Relationship keeps you trapped in a cycle of intense highs and painful distance.
A Push and Pull Relationship can feel like an emotional tug-of-war—one moment, there’s undeniable closeness, and the next, there’s distance that leaves you questioning everything.
Understanding a Push and Pull Relationship
A push and pull relationship is one where there is an ongoing cycle of emotional closeness followed by distance. One person pursues intimacy, while the other withdraws.
This creates a dynamic where one partner constantly seeks reassurance and the other feels suffocated, leading to an endless loop of attraction and repulsion.
This pattern isn’t just frustrating—it’s emotionally exhausting. The constant uncertainty keeps you in a heightened state of anxiety, wondering where you stand with the other person.
Over time, this instability can affect your self-worth and ability to form healthy, secure connections.
People in these relationships often have anxious and avoidant attachment styles clashing against each other. The anxious partner craves closeness, while the avoidant partner fears it. This fundamental mismatch fuels the push and pull dynamic.
Signs You’re in a Push and Pull Relationship
1. Emotional Highs and Lows
One moment, the connection feels intense and passionate. The next, there’s distance, coldness, or even emotional withdrawal. The cycle keeps repeating, leaving you constantly chasing emotional stability that never seems to come.
Example: You have a fantastic weekend with your partner. They shower you with attention, make future plans, and you feel secure. By Monday, they are distant, unresponsive to texts, and emotionally unavailable.
You start questioning what went wrong. By midweek, they come back as if nothing happened, pulling you back into the cycle.
2. One Partner Chases, the Other Withdraws
The person who craves intimacy (the “puller”) is always trying to get closer. The one who fears closeness (the “pusher”) feels overwhelmed and backs away. The more the puller tries to close the gap, the more the pusher distances themselves.
Dr. John Bowlby, a leading psychologist on attachment theory, explains that people with avoidant attachment styles fear dependence and prefer self-reliance. They see emotional closeness as a loss of independence, which makes them withdraw when things get too intense.
Example: You express that you want more quality time together. Instead of responding with reassurance, your partner becomes distant.
They cancel plans, take longer to reply to messages, or act indifferent, making you feel unwanted.
3. Inconsistent Communication
When they want you, they’re all in—sweet messages, deep conversations, passionate interactions. When they don’t, they become vague, detached, or even disappear for days.
This inconsistency keeps you hooked, craving the times they’re fully present.
Example: Your partner texts you constantly one week, making you feel like a priority. The next week, their replies are short, delayed, or non-existent.
This unpredictability keeps you guessing, making you hold onto those rare moments of warmth.
4. Fear of Abandonment vs. Fear of Commitment
One partner fears being abandoned, while the other fears being trapped. This emotional mismatch creates a cycle of push and pull—one person fights for security, while the other fights for space.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, explains that these patterns often stem from childhood experiences. If you grew up with inconsistent caregivers, your nervous system learned to expect instability in relationships.
As a result, your brain mistakes inconsistency for love, keeping you trapped in unhealthy dynamics.
5. The Relationship Feels Addictive
The unpredictable nature of a push and pull relationship creates a psychological addiction. When your partner withdraws, you feel anxious. When they return, you feel relieved.
This creates a dopamine-reward cycle, similar to gambling—the uncertainty keeps you hooked.
Example: You convince yourself that if you try harder, they’ll finally change.
Each time they pull away, you chase after them, trying to “win them back.” When they finally return, it feels like a victory, reinforcing the cycle.
6. Walking on Eggshells
You constantly monitor what you say and do, afraid of pushing them away. Instead of expressing your needs, you suppress them, fearing that bringing up concerns will make them withdraw further.
Example: You want to ask why they’ve been distant, but you hesitate because the last time you did, they became cold and dismissive.
So, you keep quiet, prioritizing their comfort over your own emotional needs.
Why Do People Stay in Push and Pull Relationships?
1. It Feels Familiar
If you experienced inconsistent love as a child, this kind of relationship might feel “normal.” The brain is wired to seek what it knows, even if it’s unhealthy.
Dr. Harville Hendrix, a relationship therapist and author of Getting the Love You Want, explains that people subconsciously recreate childhood emotional experiences in their adult relationships, hoping to finally “fix” them.
2. The Highs Feel Too Good
The intense moments of connection give you a rush, making you overlook the pain of the lows. You hold onto the hope that this time, things will be different.
3. Fear of Being Alone
Breaking free means facing the unknown. The fear of being alone can feel worse than the inconsistency, so you stay, hoping they’ll change.
Breaking Free from a Push and Pull Relationship
1. Recognize the Cycle
Awareness is the first step. Understand that you’re in a pattern where emotional availability is conditional. Realizing this prevents you from mistaking inconsistency for passion.
2. Work on Your Attachment Style
If you’re the anxious partner, focus on self-soothing instead of seeking external validation. If you’re avoidant, recognize that intimacy is not a threat but a source of support.
Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes that secure attachment comes from emotional responsiveness, not from playing games or creating distance.
3. Stop Chasing
If someone keeps pulling away, let them. Chasing reinforces their avoidant behavior. Give them space—not as a strategy, but because you deserve consistency.
4. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Instead of waiting for them to change, express what you need. If they continue the cycle, acknowledge that this is who they are—not someone you can fix.
5. Prioritize Your Emotional Health
Being in a push and pull relationship drains your self-esteem. Shift your focus from proving your worth to recognizing that real love doesn’t require constant convincing.
6. Seek Therapy if Needed
If this pattern repeats in multiple relationships, therapy can help identify unresolved wounds that keep you stuck in these dynamics.
A push and pull relationship thrives on uncertainty, but real love is built on security, respect, and mutual effort. If someone constantly makes you question their commitment, they are showing you that they are not emotionally available.
