Dealing with a high conflict personality can feel like walking through a minefield—one wrong step, and chaos erupts.
Navigating relationships with a high conflict personality can feel exhausting, leaving you caught in cycles of blame, emotional outbursts, and constant tension.
What is a High Conflict Personality?
A high conflict personality (HCP) is a term used to describe individuals who repeatedly engage in extreme interpersonal conflicts, struggle with emotional regulation, and tend to blame others for their problems.
These individuals often exhibit rigid thinking patterns, intense emotional reactions, and an inability to reflect on their own behavior. Unlike people who experience occasional conflicts, those with HCP make conflict a defining feature of their relationships.
Dr. Bill Eddy, a licensed therapist and lawyer who specializes in high conflict disputes, defines high conflict personalities as those who “exhibit a preoccupation with blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors.”
His work emphasizes that people with HCP are not just difficult individuals but are stuck in cycles of blame and hostility that they rarely recognize or seek to change.
What is High Conflict Personality Disorder?
While “high conflict personality disorder” is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5, it closely overlaps with several personality disorders, particularly Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Histrionic Personality Disorders.
People with these traits tend to create persistent chaos in their relationships—whether personal, professional, or legal—because they thrive on control, dominance, or validation.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissism and toxic relationships, explains that high conflict personalities “operate from a place of deep insecurity masked by aggression or manipulation, making them resistant to change and nearly impossible to reason with in emotionally charged situations.”
The 5 Types of High Conflict Personalities
Bill Eddy and other experts categorize HCPs into five primary types, each with distinct patterns of behavior:
1. Narcissistic HCP
Arrogant, entitled, and highly sensitive to criticism. They demand admiration and become aggressive when their superiority is questioned.
Example: A manager constantly takes credit for their team’s work and lashes out when constructive feedback is given.
2. Borderline HCP
Emotionally volatile, impulsive, and hypersensitive to abandonment. They may shift from idolizing to devaluing people quickly.
Example: A friend who accuses you of betrayal just because you couldn’t answer their call immediately.
3. Antisocial HCP
Deceptive, manipulative, and willing to break rules without remorse. They lack empathy and often engage in exploitation.
Example: A business partner who scams people for profit and justifies their actions as “smart business.”
4. Histrionic HCP
Emotionally dramatic, attention-seeking, and prone to exaggeration. They thrive on chaos and often fabricate crises.
Example: A coworker who constantly escalates minor disagreements into office-wide scandals.
5. Paranoid HCP
Deeply distrustful and convinced others are out to harm them. They engage in persistent accusations and conspiracy thinking.
Example: A neighbor who believes everyone in the community is plotting against them and reacts aggressively to minor misunderstandings.
How to Deal with High Conflict Personalities
Managing interactions with high conflict personalities requires strategy, patience, and emotional boundaries. Here’s how you can effectively handle them:
1. Don’t Engage in Emotional Battles
HCPs thrive on emotional reactivity. The more you defend yourself, the more fuel you give them. Stay calm and avoid reacting emotionally.
If a high conflict coworker accuses you of sabotage, instead of arguing, respond with a neutral statement like, “I understand your concerns. Let’s discuss solutions.”
2. Use the BIFF Method (Bill Eddy’s Technique)
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Keep communication short, clear, and unemotional.
Instead of writing a long email defending yourself against false accusations, say, “I appreciate your feedback. Let’s focus on the facts and move forward professionally.”
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries are crucial when dealing with HCPs. Make it clear what you will and won’t tolerate.
If a family member with a high conflict personality constantly involves you in drama, say, “I care about you, but I won’t discuss this issue if it turns into an argument.”
4. Avoid Trying to Change Them
People with high conflict personalities rarely acknowledge their behavior. Trying to “fix” them will only exhaust you.
Instead of convincing a narcissistic partner to be more empathetic, focus on protecting your own emotional well-being.
5. Use a Third Party for Conflict Resolution
HCPs are difficult to reason with, so involving an objective third party (mediator, HR, therapist) can help navigate disputes.
If an HCP coworker is making false claims, involve HR instead of handling it one-on-one.
6. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, the only way to protect your mental health is to limit or end contact.
If a toxic friendship is draining you, reducing interaction or cutting ties may be necessary.
How to Take the High Conflict Personality Test?
While there is no single standardized test for high conflict personality, various psychological assessments can help identify these traits.
Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute offers self-assessment tools, and therapists often use personality disorder screenings. If you frequently deal with someone who exhibits these behaviors, consulting a mental health professional can provide deeper insights.
Dealing with a high conflict personality is challenging, but the right strategies can help you navigate these relationships without sacrificing your peace. Recognizing the patterns, setting firm boundaries, and refusing to engage in their emotional turmoil are your best tools.
If a high conflict personality is negatively impacting your life, prioritize your well-being—because you don’t have to be part of their constant battles.
