Discover how Amatonormativity quietly shapes your relationships and self-worth.
You might not realize it, but Amatonormativity influences many of the decisions you make about relationships and how you measure success in life. It’s the invisible script society hands you, prioritizing romantic love above all else, often at the expense of friendships, family, and personal growth.
What is Amatonormativity?
Amatonormativity is the deeply ingrained societal belief that romantic relationships are superior to all other forms of connections and are essential for a fulfilling life. This concept suggests that you’re expected to prioritize romantic bonds over friendships, family ties, or even personal independence.
Coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake, being amatonormative subtly shapes your worldview, dictating how you value relationships and, ultimately, yourself.
You might notice it in the subtle ways society talks about single people as “waiting for the one” or assumes that your life goal should include marriage and a lifelong partner. It’s not just a passing thought; it’s a structural framework woven into media, culture, and traditions.
This isn’t harmless—it drives expectations that can be limiting, harmful, and even detrimental to mental health.
How Amatonormativity Shapes Your Understanding of Relationships?
1. You Feel Pressured to Prioritize Romantic Relationships Over Others
Amatonormativity sets a hierarchy, with romantic relationships sitting at the top. You’re expected to prioritize your partner above friends, family, and even your career.
This pressure can lead to strained friendships or neglected family ties because the world insists your partner comes first.
Think about that friend who gradually disappears after getting into a relationship. You’ve probably seen or experienced this dynamic where friendship feels secondary to romantic love, leaving a void in your social life.
2. You Believe Your Worth is Tied to Being in a Romantic Relationship
Society often equates being single with being incomplete. The portrayal of romantic love as a measure of success infiltrates your thoughts and self-esteem.
If you’re not in a relationship, you might feel inadequate, as though something fundamental is missing in your life.
Think about how movies and media often portray single people—either desperately searching for love or as the quirky, incomplete side character. It’s a narrative that you’ve likely internalized, even subconsciously.
3. It Reinforces Stereotypes About What “Counts” as a Relationship
Amatonormativity narrows your definition of relationships, often invalidating asexual, aromantic, or platonic connections. It suggests that only romantic relationships are “real” or worth pursuing, marginalizing those who don’t fit into this mold.
Imagine someone who dedicates their life to caring for a sick family member or who builds a life with a close platonic friend. Society rarely celebrates these stories with the same enthusiasm as a romantic engagement.
4. It Shapes Cultural Norms and Traditions
Amatonormativity is deeply embedded in cultural milestones. From fairy tales to wedding traditions, you’re surrounded by narratives that glorify romance as life’s ultimate goal. This can make you feel like you’re failing if you don’t follow this script.
Consider the constant questions about your relationship status at family gatherings. The implication is clear: your worth is tied to having a romantic partner.
5. It Creates Unnecessary Pressure in Romantic Relationships
Because society places so much importance on romantic relationships, you might enter or stay in relationships for the wrong reasons—like fear of being judged or seen as “less than.”
This pressure can lead to unhealthy dynamics, such as settling for toxic relationships or enduring emotional neglect just to avoid being single.
If you’ve ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have because you feared being single again, you’ve experienced this dynamic firsthand.
How to Navigate and Challenge Amatonormativity?
1. Redefine Success in Relationships
Shift your perspective. Recognize that the quality of your relationships matters more than their type. Success isn’t defined by having a romantic partner but by having meaningful, supportive connections in your life.
Start journaling about the relationships that bring you joy and fulfillment, romantic or not. Acknowledge and celebrate those connections.
2. Educate Yourself and Others
Understanding the roots of amatonormativity helps you question and dismantle it. Share insights with your social circle to foster more inclusive discussions about relationships.
Read books like Singled Out by Dr. Bella DePaulo, which debunks myths about being amatonormative, and highlights the importance of all relationship types.
3. Celebrate Alternative Relationship Models
Recognize and uplift stories of people who thrive outside traditional romantic frameworks. Celebrate friendships, chosen families, and other forms of connection.
Next time you hear someone say, “When are you going to settle down?” gently challenge the assumption. Highlight examples of people living fulfilling lives without adhering to societal norms.
4. Focus on Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that you are enough, regardless of your relationship status. This helps counteract the internalized pressures of amatonormativity.
Practice affirmations like, “I am complete as I am” or “My worth is not tied to my relationship status.”
Amatonormativity is more than a societal quirk—it’s a pervasive framework that influences how you think about relationships, self-worth, and success.
By recognizing and challenging these ingrained beliefs, you can build a life that prioritizes what truly matters: authentic, meaningful connections in all their forms.
