Here’s a deep dive into why a step child totally ignores the step parent and the psychological factors behind this behavior.
When a step child totally ignores the step parent, it can feel like an insurmountable barrier to creating a harmonious family environment. This scenario is more common than you might think, and understanding the underlying causes is the first step toward building a bridge.
Why A Step Child Totally Ignores the Step Parent?
This behavior, while challenging, often stems from deep-seated psychological reasons that require empathy and understanding.
Is This Behavior Normal?
It’s important to acknowledge that ignoring behavior in stepchildren is a common response, especially in the early stages of family blending.
Dr. Patricia Papernow describers in her book that this behavior can be a part of the child’s natural adjustment process. She notes “Children often use distancing strategies as a way to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come with the integration of a new family member.”
1. Loyalty Conflicts
The child might feel an obligation to remain loyal to the biological parent, particularly if the parent has explicitly or implicitly conveyed negative feelings about the step-parent.
The child’s way of demonstrating allegiance may involve ignoring the step-parent, as this can feel like a way of staying true to the biological parent.
Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington, a professor of psychology who has extensively studied children of divorce, explains, “Children may feel that forming a relationship with a stepparent is a betrayal to their biological parent. This internal conflict often manifests as distancing or ignoring behaviors toward the stepparent.”
These conflicts are more pronounced in cases where the child still harbors hope for their parents’ reconciliation.
2. Attachment Issues
The child may struggle with feelings of divided loyalty, where they feel that forming an attachment to the step-parent could be perceived as a betrayal of the biological parent.
This fear can cause the child to hold back from developing a relationship with the step-parent, as they attempt to protect their primary attachment bond with their biological parent.
If a child has experienced previous disruptions in attachment, such as a parent’s departure due to divorce or death, they may develop attachment anxiety.
This anxiety can make it difficult for the child to trust and form new attachments, as they fear being abandoned again. The child might resist bonding with the step-parent, worried that this new relationship could lead to further loss or disappointment.
Dr. Jeannette Lofas highlights, “Children’s pre-existing attachment styles can greatly influence how they respond to a new stepparent.
Securely attached children might be more open, while those with anxious or avoidant attachments may resist forming new bonds, leading to behaviors like ignoring.”
3. Fear of Rejection
A child may fear that forming a close bond with a step-parent could lead to losing the love or attention of their biological parent. This insecurity might arise if the child perceives that the biological parent could feel replaced or less important in their life.
As a result, the child might keep the step-parent at arm’s length, either by ignoring them or not allowing the relationship to develop, as a way to protect their bond with the biological parent.
Dr. John Bowlby, known for his work on attachment theory, suggests that “When a step child totally ignores the step parent, it might be due to a bitter past experience where he/she may fear that forming a new relationship will lead to further rejection or abandonment.
Ignoring a stepparent can be their way of safeguarding against this perceived threat.”
4. Emotional Confusion
A child may experience a whirlwind of emotions, including love, loyalty, anger, and resentment, all at once.
For instance, they may feel affection for the step-parent but simultaneously harbor guilt or resentment for having these feelings. This internal conflict can lead to confusion, where the child struggles to reconcile these opposing emotions.
As Dr. Anne Fishel points out, “The blending of families often brings up conflicting emotions for children. They may feel happy about gaining a new family member but also confused and guilty about these feelings, particularly if they sense that it upsets their other parent.”
5. Unresolved Grief
The child may struggle to accept the reality that their original family unit has changed or no longer exists. This denial can prevent the child from fully processing their grief, leaving them emotionally stuck in the past.
The introduction of a step-parent can intensify these feelings, as the child may see this new person as a symbol of the permanence of the loss. Ignoring the step-parent becomes a way to cling to the hope that the original family unit could be restored.
According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, “Children in stepfamilies may be stuck in the grieving process, which can hinder their ability to accept a new family dynamic. Their ignoring behavior could be a manifestation of their ongoing grief.”
Signs to Watch Out for When A Step Child Totally Ignores the Step Parent
1. Avoidance
The child may consistently avoid interactions with the stepparent, such as leaving the room when they enter or refusing to engage in conversations.
Imagine you walk into the living room where your stepchild is watching TV. As soon as they see you, they suddenly remember they have homework to do and leave the room. This happens consistently, whether it’s during meals, family gatherings, or even casual moments at home.
The pattern of avoidance becomes clear when your stepchild repeatedly finds reasons to leave whenever you’re around, making it difficult to establish a connection.
2. Minimal Communication
Even when present, the child may offer only minimal responses, such as one-word answers or non-verbal cues like nodding or shrugging.
You ask your stepchild how their day at school was, and they respond with a curt “fine” without elaborating. When you try to engage further, their answers become even shorter, like “yes,” “no,” or just a shrug. This minimal communication extends to other interactions, where your stepchild offers little to no input or conversation, making it difficult to build rapport.
3. Lack of Eye Contact
The child may avoid making eye contact, which can be a sign of discomfort or a way to distance themselves emotionally.
During family dinners or when you’re speaking directly to your stepchild, you notice that they rarely look you in the eye.
Instead, they may focus on their plate, look at their phone, or stare into the distance. This lack of eye contact could be their way of avoiding deeper emotional connections or expressing discomfort with the situation.
4. Body Language
Watch for closed-off body language, such as crossed arms or turning away from the stepparent.
When you’re in the same room, your step child might sit with their arms crossed, legs turned away from you, or they might physically distance themselves by sitting as far away as possible.
These subtle cues indicate that they are emotionally closed off or uncomfortable in your presence.
5. Indirect Communication
The child might communicate through the biological parent rather than directly addressing the stepparent.
You ask your stepchild if they’d like to join you for a weekend outing, but instead of answering directly, they say, “I’ll ask Mom (or Dad).”
This pattern repeats in other situations, where the child prefers to communicate their feelings, needs, or decisions through their biological parent rather than addressing you directly.
What Can Be Done to Address This Behavior?
1. Patience and Understanding
Building a relationship with a stepchild can be a delicate process that requires patience and understanding.
It’s important to recognize that the child may be dealing with complex emotions and may find adjusting to a new family dynamic a little tough. Rather than expecting immediate acceptance, approach the situation with empathy.
- Remind your child that whatever they’re feeling is totally valid. Instead of jumping in to fix things right away, just be there to listen. Sometimes, all they need is to know that you understand. A simple, “I get why you feel that way,” can go a long way.
- Remember, this journey isn’t just about helping them—you’re growing too. Give yourself some slack; it’s okay not to have all the answers. You’re learning to navigate this relationship together, so be patient with yourself just as you are with them.
- When it feels right, share a little bit about your own feelings and experiences. Keep it age-appropriate, of course. This not only helps them see that it’s okay to feel a certain way but also teaches them how empathy works. For example, you could say, “I remember feeling nervous about something similar when I was your age, and it really helped me to talk about it.”
2. Open Communication
Encouraging open communication is essential – if your child is in the early teens, ask these questions. Make it clear that their feelings are valid and that you are there to listen without judgment.
Create a safe environment where the child feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions.
- Set aside a specific time each week where the child knows they can talk to you about anything.
- Instead of yes/no questions, ask, “How do you feel about…” or “What do you think about…?”
- Show that you are fully engaged by repeating back what they’ve said to ensure you understand, and to show that you value their words.
3. Consistent Effort
Regular, non-intrusive gestures of kindness and interest in the child’s life can slowly build trust. The goal is to show that you are committed to being a stable and caring figure in their life, without overwhelming them.
Over time, these consistent efforts can help the child see you as a reliable presence.
- Show up for school plays, sports games, or any activity they are involved in to demonstrate your support.
- Even small daily interactions, like asking about their day or helping with homework, can make a big difference.
- Acknowledge and praise their achievements, no matter how small, to build a positive connection.
4. Respect Boundaries
It’s crucial to respect the child’s boundaries, especially when they are resistant to forming a relationship with a stepparent.
Avoid forcing interactions or demanding affection, as this can create more resistance. Instead, allow the relationship to develop naturally.
- Pay attention to the child’s comfort levels and adjust your approach based on their reactions.
- Allow the child to set the pace of the relationship. For example, let them decide when they are ready to spend more time together.
- Refrain from insisting on certain activities or levels of closeness. Let the relationship grow naturally.
By respecting their boundaries, you show that you acknowledge their autonomy and are willing to let the bond grow at its own pace.
6. Engage in Shared Activities
Finding common interests or activities that you can enjoy together can be an effective way to break the ice in the situations where a step child totally ignores the step parent.
These experiences can help to create a sense of connection without the pressure of forced conversation or interaction. Over time, these shared moments can become the building blocks of a stronger relationship.
- Ask the child what activities they enjoy and suggest doing something together based on those interests.
- Choose activities that are enjoyable and low-pressure, like playing a board game, going for a walk, or cooking something simple together.
- Regularly suggest activities, but don’t be discouraged if the child declines. Keep the invitation open for future opportunities.
4. Family Therapy
In some cases, the underlying issues that cause a step child to ignore a step parent may be deeply rooted and complex. Family therapy can provide a neutral space for everyone to express their feelings and work through challenges together.
A therapist can help facilitate communication, identify underlying issues, and provide strategies for improving the family dynamic. This professional guidance can be particularly helpful in bridging the gap between the stepchild and stepparent.
When a step child totally ignores the step parent, it’s easy to feel disheartened, but remember that building a new family dynamic is a journey, not a sprint.
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