Learn about the 7 stages of trauma bonding and how they silently trap you in toxic cycles.
The 7 stages of trauma bonding can feel like a maze you didn’t realize you entered. Each stage tightens the emotional grip, blending moments of affection with cycles of pain, leaving you questioning your reality.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a deeply rooted psychological phenomenon that ties you to an abusive or toxic person. These bonds are not formed out of love or mutual respect but stem from cycles of manipulation, abuse, and fleeting moments of affection.
Understanding the seven stages of trauma bonding can help you recognize and break free from unhealthy patterns.
7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
1. Love Bombing
This is the stage where everything seems perfect. The abuser showers you with excessive attention, flattery, and promises of a beautiful future. It feels like you’ve found someone who truly understands and values you.
But this overwhelming affection is not genuine—it’s a strategy to draw you in.
Imagine a partner who constantly compliments you, gives extravagant gifts, and assures you they’ve never felt this way about anyone. They may tell you, “You’re the only one who understands me,” making you feel irreplaceable.
2. Trust and Dependency
Once you’re drawn in, the abuser starts building trust. They position themselves as your anchor, someone you can rely on. Gradually, you start depending on them for emotional, financial, or physical support.
Example: A partner who insists you share all your fears and secrets, only to later use them against you, might make you feel like they are the only one who truly “gets” you. Over time, you may rely solely on them for reassurance or validation.
How This Affects You: At this stage, you begin isolating yourself from friends and family, either by their suggestion or because you feel they wouldn’t understand your connection. This dependency traps you further, making escape feel impossible.
3. Criticism and Gaslighting
After you’re hooked, the abuser subtly starts to undermine your self-worth. Gaslighting becomes a primary tool. They manipulate you into questioning your perceptions and memories, making you doubt your judgment.
Example: They might say, “You’re overreacting,” or “That never happened,” when you confront them about hurtful behavior. Over time, you start second-guessing yourself.
4. Manipulation of Hope
In this phase, the abuser introduces sporadic kindness or affection to keep you tied to them. Just when you’re ready to leave or confront their behavior, they’ll throw in moments of tenderness, making you believe things will improve.
Example: After a heated argument where they’ve belittled you, they might surprise you with your favorite meal, a heartfelt apology, or a romantic gesture. These moments reignite the hope that the relationship can return to the “honeymoon phase.”
How This Affects You: This back-and-forth creates a cycle of reward and punishment. You begin living for the good moments, even if they’re few and far between, and justify staying because of them.
5. Control Through Fear
Fear becomes the driving force in the relationship. This can manifest as fear of physical harm, emotional withdrawal, or abandonment. The abuser ensures you believe leaving them will result in severe consequences, either real or imagined.
Example: They might threaten to harm themselves or spread false stories about you if you try to leave. Statements like, “No one else will love you the way I do,” play on your insecurities.
6. Loss of Self
By this point, you’ve lost your sense of identity. Your thoughts, behaviors, and decisions revolve entirely around the abuser. You might no longer recognize who you were before the relationship.
Example: You might stop pursuing hobbies, neglect friendships, or change your appearance to align with what they prefer. A once-confident person might now feel completely powerless.
How This Affects You: This stage creates a void where you feel like your entire worth is tied to the abuser’s approval. Without them, it may seem like you have nothing left.
7. Emotional Addiction
Trauma bonding functions much like an addiction. Your brain becomes wired to crave the highs and endure the lows of the relationship. The intermittent reinforcement of affection and abuse creates a cycle that feels impossible to break.
Example: Despite the pain, you might find yourself unable to stop thinking about the abuser or reaching out to them after a breakup. You’re drawn back, not because it’s healthy, but because it feels familiar.
Can Trauma Bonding Be Two Ways?
Yes, trauma bonding can absolutely be a two-way dynamic, where both individuals are tied to each other through cycles of emotional pain, manipulation, and intermittent reinforcement.
This bond thrives in relationships where abuse and affection alternate, leaving both parties emotionally entangled. Understanding this can help you recognize such patterns and begin to break free.
1. How Two-Way Trauma Bonding Develops?
Trauma bonding often arises in relationships with power imbalances or mutual emotional wounds. Both individuals might crave connection but lack healthy coping mechanisms, creating a toxic dependency.
One person might act as the aggressor, while the other appears submissive, but roles can shift. Each person’s behavior reinforces the other’s—creating a loop that feels impossible to escape.
Example: Picture a couple where one partner lashes out during arguments, and the other soothes them afterward.
The aggressor feels validated for their anger, while the other feels needed for their support. Both end up stuck in the cycle because each action feeds the bond.
2. Why It Feels So Strong
The hormonal cocktail of stress and affection strengthens trauma bonds. Intermittent reinforcement—the unpredictable cycle of reward and punishment—anchors the bond, making it harder to break.
This is why even the slightest kindness after abuse feels overwhelmingly significant.
Signs of Two-Way Trauma Bonding
- Emotional Rollercoasters: Your relationship feels like a constant high followed by devastating lows, leaving you emotionally drained but deeply attached.
- Mutual Dependence: Both of you feel like you can’t survive without the other, even though the relationship causes more harm than good.
- Rationalizing Behavior: You excuse each other’s toxic actions because “no one else understands you.”
Trauma Bonding Examples
1. Love Bombing
You meet someone who showers you with affection, gifts, and constant attention. They text you all day, tell you they’ve never felt this way before, and make grand promises about your future together.
Example: A new partner books an expensive vacation for you both after only a few weeks of dating, saying, “I just know we’re meant to be together forever.”
2. Trust and Dependency
The abuser positions themselves as your protector, isolating you from others under the pretense of caring.
Example: They say, “Your friends don’t really understand you like I do. You don’t need them—you have me.” Over time, you stop confiding in others and depend solely on them for support.
3. Criticism and Gaslighting
You bring up a concern about how they treated you, and instead of taking responsibility, they make you doubt your perception.
Example: You say, “You hurt me when you yelled at me.” They reply, “That never happened. You’re imagining things. You’re too sensitive.” Over time, you start questioning your reality.
4. Manipulation of Hope
After a period of mistreatment, the abuser suddenly becomes affectionate and loving again, making you believe they’ve changed.
Example: After days of silent treatment, they show up with flowers and say, “I was just stressed. I love you so much.” This rekindles your hope that the relationship will return to how it was in the beginning.
5. Control Through Fear
They instill fear to keep you from leaving, either by threatening you, themselves, or your reputation.
Example: They say, “If you leave me, I’ll make sure everyone knows how ‘crazy’ you are. No one else will ever love you like I do.”
6. Loss of Self
You change your personality, interests, and choices to keep them happy, losing sight of who you once were.
Example: You stop wearing clothes they don’t like, quit a job because they disapprove, or give up hobbies you once loved because they make you feel guilty for spending time away from them.
7. Emotional Addiction
Even after a breakup, you find yourself missing them and feeling drawn back, despite knowing they were toxic.
Example: After finally leaving, you struggle with the intense urge to text them just to “check on them” because you’ve been conditioned to feel responsible for their emotions.
Two-Way Trauma Bonding
Both partners engage in a cycle of toxic behavior, reinforcing each other’s trauma bond.
Example: One partner lashes out with insults, while the other constantly tries to “fix” the situation with affection and reassurance. Over time, both become dependent on the toxic cycle—one needs to control, and the other needs to feel needed.
Breaking the Cycle
Understanding these stages is only the beginning. Breaking free requires active steps, support, and a recognition that you deserve better.
- Acknowledge the Reality: Recognize the patterns and accept that this bond is rooted in manipulation, not love.
- Seek Professional Help: Therapists trained in trauma recovery can guide you through the healing process.
- Rebuild Your Identity: Reconnect with hobbies, friends, and parts of yourself that were sidelined.
- Create a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who uplift and empower you.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not a one-time decision.
Trauma bonding isn’t linear—it’s cyclical. Even if you break free momentarily, you might find yourself drawn back. Recognizing the cycle is key to stopping it.
Recognizing trauma bonding is a crucial step toward freedom. You are not defined by the abuse you’ve endured.
